You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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