I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize