he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize