Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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