I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
