Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
