If i come over, it means nothing
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
