how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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