you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
