dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
