Soap is not a condiment
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
