I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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