im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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