C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
