My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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