my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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