I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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