I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
