The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
