I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
