God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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