I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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