he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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