He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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