That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
