How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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