thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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