so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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