Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize