Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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