Swine flu. Run for my life!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
