I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
