I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
it was like eating out sand paper
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
