I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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