if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
