Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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