please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
