I want to stick my p in your. b.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
