i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
