marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
