kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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