just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
