I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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