Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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