theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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