If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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