I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
