I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
