apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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