I CAN MOONWALK!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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