Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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