I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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