Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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