Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
