My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
