i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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