Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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