Having a random hookup so left but love u
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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