I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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